How do people connect?
I look around me and it feels like everyone has a confidant, someone they trust deeply. Or at least something close. I have always felt like I need someone, typically one best friend I completely get addicted to and I mean that as unhealthy as it sounds. Don’t get me wrong, those friends were and still are the most amazing people I know. It is me that is the problem. I think I don’t make connections the way I am supposed to.
Let me elaborate. Instead of dealing with my issues I was looking for distractions, worlds I could escape into. I rarely did that on my own. I had friends who were looking for the same sort of escapism. The thing is I only tried to get to know them up to a certain point and then lost interest. I only wanted to continue act out those worlds and push away reality. Whenever I got into fights with them I felt terrorized. There was this possibility of losing my drug of choice. So sometimes I would apologize without seeing any fault on my side. In the best case, I understood objectively what I had done wrong or what others thought I’d done and apologized on the base of that understanding. Nevertheless, the feeling of guilt never kicked in. Only fear of loss, of cold turkey.
It took a long time until I was grown up enough to actually WANT connections that aren’t just based on … well, shared fantasies but a deeper understanding. I think I have lost my best friend to that a bit. And not only that. I also sometimes have no people tolerance when I feel bad and empty and lost. So I pull back. Especially lately. Even though I wish that someone would just be there without questions and just holding me. I don’t think I ever earned someones attention like that. And tbh I don’t know how to overcome my egocentric world view. Every time that I try to get other peoples feelings and thoughts and problems it feels so far away. I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t always want to play on the sidelines. I really wish I had a time turner right about now. Then I could just go all those years better and be there for my friends and then somebody would be here with me right now.